Beautifully Rambling


It’s Monday. And I’m a rambling wonderful mess. I’m definitively #beautifullysick

The last few days were pretty good for me. What made them good? Well… I was able to go to Equinox (the gym) four days in the row. Believe it or not… that’s progress for me. I’ve been out of the gym for over nine months. I’m finally feeling like I’m getting back to some sense of “stable”… recovering from the surgeries I have had in the past ten months… and getting a handle on how to manage my chronic pain. The detail of what ails me specifically at this moment is not important (trust me… you’ll hear all about it in detail). However, we could oversimplify and say I’m dealing with an awfully bad, bad, bad and worst ever case of “tech neck.” The point is that I’m more disabled then I appear. I want everyone to know that!!!

A lot of my recent picture taking… the selfies is truly not because I love myself (wink) and have decided to join “generation selfie” in its quest to plaster the world with more self-love. It is for a health project that speaks to chronic pain and spinal related stuff which sadly I’ve become quite an expert at. And yes, this exercise… has been therapeutic too. After all, I’m a creative and it has been extremely frustrating to not be able to create. You know… express myself… and in the way I use to. The irony is that I’m having a tough time moving my part of the project along because I’m physically challenged… however… it is moving… and the players are showing up.


Someone asked me why I was tagging some of these pics with #beautifullysick. This is my attempt to explain the rationale behind #beautifullysick.

It’s funny because…. there’s a few sick reasons. Firstly, some guy––there’s always a guy––was flirting with me and said, “You are too beautiful to be sick.” I naturally blushed. However, before I knew it… my brand brain spun it around to make it a more positive statement, which is how I coined “I’m beautifully sick.” And I use “sick” here in a loving way.

Well… I started thinking more about how to present “sick”… in a not so sick way. It was important for me that the pain “looks good.” Be shown as beautifully as possible. In many ways, it is a main character. I thought about naming him. Yes, it’s a him, and I’ve been living with him for quite some time. Now this thinking cracks me up because that’s kind of sick… in a funny sick way. Anyway, this need to look good and have all things look good… is something my mom instilled in my siblings and I at an early age. Yes, I blame my mom for this––in a positive, sick way: No matter how ugly or pretty the moment, always put your best “face” forward (a.k.a, the good old what will the neighbors think sprinkled with a big dose of “Stefka” vanity). It’s now a running joke between my sister’s and I: hey, I know you took a tumble down the steps at the gym and in front of the guy you have a mad crush on… BUT did you look good? (Oh yes I did. This gal knows how to recover. Usually. Anyway. That’s a whole other story…)

My heart goes out to anyone that lives with constant pain. I had no idea how life altering this situation would be… I thought it would go away or get better. But I have lost enough time trying to get better. Two decades worth of straddling the fine line between delusion and hope. So now I have no choice but to own what has owned me… and make a real career out of it… you know… of being sick. Like a good sick. Like… “beautifully sick.”

Get it? See why beautifully sick sticks?

Anyway.  I seem to say anyway a lot these days. Especially when my pain is really intense. Please forgive all the anyways… and for not being as poignant as I can… or polished in explaining this concept. It’s hard to think straight when your upper body feels like it is on fire, never mind turn those fuzzy thoughts into something concrete… but I digress.

I took the above love pic because I want that “love.” I shared it because I want everyone to know that in that pic my pain level was off the charts bad. Don’t let that smile fool you. It was a “living at an eleven” type of day baby. I clearly pushed myself too hard the last few days… and for that I will pay a major price for the next few days. Yet, I muster that smile to get that shot because, say it with me: “I’m beautifully sick.” And I have been for a very long time. Ha!

On that note… I’m popping a Percocet… will dial up a friend to meet me for a quick bite to help me stay distracted, positive and hopefully keep me out of selfie trouble! And remind me that although beautifully sick… girl is beautifully loved. And rambles beautifully.


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  • Hi Barbara 🙂

    I just finished sending you a very detailed email and decided to follow up by checking out your website. Thus far, I have only read your ‘beautiful rambling,’ but I must say (as an English teacher) that it was beautifully written. Once I began reading, I was unable to stop because I could tell that each word was crafted from the depths of your heart. I did not know you were hurt and you did not bring it up (to my recollection) when we spoke at Equinox, but I guess that may have been part of your plan….to present yourself as beautifully sick…where the obvious beauty of your overall persona….overshadows the reality of the pain you are suffering. Well done. Trena 🙂


    • kwas

      Thank you Trena. That’s a hell of an endorsement––and very succinct assessment from someone I literally just met. Well done.


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